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HTHGS: My wife does
not like sex (written by Shan & Claude)
Shan & Claude,
I'm not sure if I am asking the right person, but I can't figure out why my wife
doesn't like to have sex. I mean we are still newly weds but I practically have
to beg for it. She does not want to try anything I want to do. And when I ask
for even just a little oral sex we end up getting in a fight. Sometimes I do not
know what to do. Help me please.
Even though this is one of the shortest messages we have ever received we could
write a book as a response. We
could tell you numerous things about how women in our society are often
conditioned to be a-sexual, to be “pure,” that sex is bad and that people
tend to live out the scripts that they have been taught by their family,
television, and our culture. Also,
sometimes couples who decide not to be sexual with one another before marriage
find themselves in a similar situation – because they have no idea what their
partner is like before they make a major commitment!
We could ask you all about your “sex-life” prior to marriage and if
things have changed since you actually became married.
We could try to explain that sometimes people have different sexual needs
and your sexual needs may not be the same and may never be the same.
However, we are convinced that such vague explanations would minimally
help you understand what may be going for you and your wife.
Ultimately, with our limited knowledge of the situation we could not
provide you with the answer(s) that you seek. As always, we recommend that you
communicate with your partner so that you know exactly where she is at and what
she is feeling so that she can understand your needs and feelings as well.
You are facing a relationship problem – one that may require the help
of a professional. We encourage you
to seek the assistance of a Marriage and Family Therapist or a Sex Therapist.
Also, your yellow pages
may help you select a counselor. What we are recommending is not psychotherapy
and most people do not go for years. Some
people see small improvements quickly. Whoever
the person is they should have some background and comfort talking about
sexuality issues and working with couples who have differences in their sexual
desires and appetites. It may take
trying out a couple of individuals before you find the person who will be able
to help you and your wife. They
should make you feel at ease when communicating about your relationship and sex
and so forth. We are concerned that
if you try to handle this on your own you will continue to face confusion,
anger, resentment, and further arguments. You should be proud to seek help, Shan
HTHGS: No Sexual Desire (written by Shan&Claude)
I have been married for 10 years and love my husband with all
my heart. We have 4 children. My question is this. I have no sexual desire. It
has nothing to do with my husband. I find him very handsome and so forth. I just
have no feelings for sex. This is very hard for him he is a very sexual man. We
might make love once a month. Is there anything that I can do to change this?
When we first were married I was a very sexual person. I couldn't get enough of
it. It seems like all I want to do by the time that we go to bed is to go to
sleep. Any information you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Thank
Dear Patrice –
Please understand that what you are experiencing is totally normal.
Many people and couples experience exactly what you and your partner are
experiencing. There are some
articles about this at http://www.howtohavegoodsex.com/low_sex_drive.htm
We all go through peaks and valleys of sexual desire throughout our
lifespan. We have a feeling that 4
children must be exhausting! People
who are very busy with work or exhausted with kids or projects find that their
sexual desires decrease. There are
some questions you will have to ask yourself: How do you feel about your
decreased libido (sexual desire)? How
does your partner’s feelings influence you?
What do you want to do about it?
Sex just to please a partner is
generally not pleasurable or fulfilling on many levels.
We don’t know your exact situation so it is hard to know what you want
to happen or what would be reasonable to request.
Some of our assumptions and then suggestions: We are going to assume that
like many couples you may do a lot of the work with the children and the house.
If that is not the case please forgive our assumption – but we have
seen it a lot! If that is the case
is there any way you could find someone else to help you with the kids or
whatever is exhausting you – a babysitter, a relative, maybe your husband?
We have found that when women who used to love sex get enough sleep and
reduce their stress and forget about being a mother of 4 for a while their
sexual desires tend to increase dramatically!
It may also be important to look at all of the factors that may
contribute to your decreased sexual desire.
For example: if you associate having “sex” with having a fifth child,
and you may not want to have a fifth child, you may have low or no sexual desire
because of what sex means to you. So,
what associations do you have with sex that may be reducing your desire?
Have you had time lately to go on a romantic date alone with your husband
like you probably did back in the days when you “couldn’t get enough?”
When was the last time you had a weekend with just yourself or with him?
Do you have the time and energy necessary to allow yourself the wonderful luxury
of stimulation, excitement, and maybe even masturbation?
How much time do you have to yourself?
These questions are designed to help you think about how sex and sexual
desire are more than just your body – sex is about the mind - and if your mind
is stressed or tired or occupied sex may be the last thing on your mind and if
you don’t think about it you will probably not get to the “triggers” that
make people feel sexy! We would
certainly hope that the conditions that are contributing to you feeling asexual
could be managed to a degree that you could once again feel like a sexual being.
But, the most important thing is how you feel about it.
If you feel fine as you are then GREAT for you!
But, it sounds like you may miss that side of yourself and if so we
encourage you to take the time to treat yourself right and spoil yourself and
have some great sex (with yourself or partner)!
You absolutely deserve it!! Please,
write again if you feel the need to explain your situation further so that we
could also be more specific. Treat
yourself and spoil yourself, Shan&Claude