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How
To
Have
Good
Sex!
Past Tips |
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Pleasing a man
HTHGS:
How to please a man in bed (Written by Shan&Claude)
Ask
Shan & Claude
,
Need Help I am no good at sex
and I need to know how to please my boyfriend in bed. I’m not sure if what I
do is right. We are going out of town next weekend and I want to satisfy him
sexually. I want to be the best he has ever had. Please help me.
Dear
Need Help,
We are not sure if you will get this message in time to be a great lover by next
weekend, but we will try to help you out!
We know it feels like you should be incredible this minute – but like
any skill it will take time and you need to be patient.
With commitment and practice and a little research we are confident that
you will be a wonderful sexual partner – if you aren’t already!
We wonder what makes you think you are “no good?”
You need to know that what one person considers a great lover someone
else may consider a bad lover. For
example if a “porno star” got together with a person who liked a timid, shy,
and quiet partner they may both not rate the experience as pleasurable or
rewarding. You may already be a
wonderful sexual partner!
Finding
out what you like and what your partner likes and communicating those attributes
to one another is incredibly important. To
find out what pleasures you – you can masturbate and permit your fantasies to
run wild and check out explicit movies and see what is out there and what it
does for you. Some things won’t
agree with you – and you won’t do them – other things you will love.
Eventually, you will come to understand what you really enjoy and what
“gets you off.” It takes self-exploration and honesty with yourself and the
communication skills to communicate what you want and need to your partner.
To figure out what your partner wants you will have to also communicate. He will need the safety and room to express himself and his
desires and needs honestly, without shame or embarrassment. Sometimes in our
culture people want sex to be like the movies: no communication, it “just”
happens, no one gets pregnant, there are no diseases, everyone has a dozen
orgasms, and so forth. Movies
aren’t real and generally for people to get what they want they have to ask or
communicate (verbally, nonverbally, e-mail, moans, expressions, etc) to get it.
Once you figure out what you both like then you can make a concerted and full
effort towards satisfying one another.
There
is not one “best” way to be sexual. Even
saying what pleases an “average man” or “average woman” would be quite
impossible. If you want more resources there are many books, CD-ROMS, websites,
and workshops (in person or on-line) that can teach you much about specific
sexual pleasuring techniques – oral sex, massage, anal sex, multiple-orgasms,
positions, sounds to make, role-playing, etc.
You will have to decide what you want to improve upon and seek out the
most appropriate item or info that applies.
This site, other websites, adult bookstores in your area,
can help you select the type of resource you need.
If we had to make recommendations we would start with two classics: this
website has many suggestions for being a great lover and toys that you can
purchase that can compliment sex play:
www.howtohavegoodsex.com/sex_tips_by_topic.htm
and another really good site is: goodvibes.com (vibrators and lubes and
instructional videos). I am sure
public television or your library may even have some resources that may help you
get ideas! If you and your partner
can seek out learning aids together and experiment together it can be that much
more fun. It is great when you understand exactly what it will take to give you
or your partner pleasure. Just make
sure that you are not too wrapped up in pleasing your partner – because most
partners don’t want it to just be one way.
Considerate partners want you to have and receive and experience pleasure
as well. Your partner may very well
want what you want – to be thought of as a good lover – and that means being
able to both GIVE and RECEIVE pleasure - completely!
In other words sometimes being a good lover means being able to receive
pleasure!
There
is a certain degree of unalterable chemistry that happens between two people
that is difficult to improve upon. Sometimes
the “energy” is there and sometimes it isn’t.
Have you ever met a friend who you connected with almost immediately?
The same goes for sex! Hopefully,
the energy is there between you and your partner so that the learning and
experimentation are that much more fun and comfortable and pleasurable. Here is
to your process of becoming a better lover, Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Turning on a guy (written by Shan&Claude)
Ask
Shan & Claude,
Please help what are some ways you can turn a guy on before having sex.
Please
help,
Dear
please help,
There about as many ways to turn a guy on before sex as there are guys in this
world. There are also many stereotypes about men being turned on by just
about anything! We are not going to speculate on that, but we have some general
ideas for you that may help.
The
seduction phase of arousal can be a wonderful and rich part of sex. The key will
be doing things or acting in ways that you feel comfortable with and that it is
a turn-on for him (and you!). Things like massage, erotic talk, and sexy
outfits have been staples in seduction for centuries. What turns you on?
Can you use yourself as a resource to figure out what may turn him on?
For example most of us enjoy great eye contact and focused attention to help
us feel “special” and desired. One thing that people sometimes forget
is that it is a turn-on to see your partner enjoying themselves. What we
mean is that if he can tell that you are “into it” and that it gives you
pleasure there is a certain likelihood that it may excite him as well. If
he can see that you are really enjoying yourself it may be quite the
aphrodisiac. So make sure to remember your own needs and desires in this
process. Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
How to turn a guy on (written by Shan & Claude, MS.Ed)
Ask Shan & Claude,
For seven months now I have been having sex. this is well and all but
unfortunately I do not have any experience because after all he is my first I
have had sex with. I want to be able to surprise him with some ideas on
positions but I cant seem to think of any because I am afraid he'll either laugh
or tell me that we've already done that. Can you please tell me what sort of
positions are great that turn guys on? Also when he turns me on and touches me
he'll stop and asks me what he should do next, like where should he touch me and
where to kiss. I seem to have problems telling him because I just want him to do
what he wants rather than me demanding what I want. I cant seem to have the
confidence to tell him. this kills the mood for me rather than for him. Also
blowjobs are something I hate because it feels like a lesson rather than giving
him pleasure. he always tells me how to do it and I cant seem to get it right
due to lack of knowledge and experience. he gets turned on by it and him cumming
is not a problem its just my confidence... is there any way of boosting it up a
little? I think that because I am still learning and him being extremely
experienced it feels very uneasy for me to communicate or tell how I feel about
it, I know I have to talk to him but how? and will this get easier with time?
will I find a way to feel happier when having sex? from inexperienced.
Dear inexperienced,
We really liked your question. We are concerned that you think your
boyfriend/ partner will laugh at you if you ask a question or try new things!
That fear can dissuade you from asking questions or feeling comfortable.
Perhaps you could explain how you feel to him? He may need to hear it
especially if it is having an impact on how comfortable and safe you feel in the
relationship. It sounds like you are going through a bit of a learning
stage. This can be hard but it is an exciting time! In our
culture we are expected to know how to do everything sexually and understand
sexuality, but are not often taught anything! We recommend that you read
books, check out websites (like this one), watch erotic videos, and dive into
learning about this subject that is so often avoided and neglected. Do all
you can to learn about sex and sexuality. We believe that would help with
your sexual confidence. That is if you have confidence in other areas.
If your self confidence is low all of the time it may be hard to feel assertive
enough to question, learn, or challenge your partner (or others) about anything.
We hope that if you do go to a sex shop or erotic bookstore you can gain the
ability to feel more comfortable speaking about sexuality.
You
may also want to look at your local community college (or state school) about
possibly enrolling in a Human Sexuality course where you could learn about,
question, and talk openly about sexuality with others. Likewise, the
internet must have chat rooms and resources for people who are trying to gain
confidence around sexuality. If you gain some experience and knowledge we
believe you would have a much easier time bringing these subjects up. If you
take the time to practice and learn about sexuality it will be a very valuable
investment in your life. You will be a sexual being until the day you die
and the sooner you can learn how to be sexually confident and sexually literate
the better! Here is to knowledge! Cheers! Shan & Claude
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