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Talking About Sex
How To Have Good Sex,
Inc.
HTHGS:
Talking about sex
(written by Shannon & Claudette)
Ask
Shannon and Claudette,
I've been married for nearly 8 years and my husband and I have not had a very
exciting sex-life. I have turned him down a lot in the past because he had
either made me angry or sometimes I was just angry that I didn't get very much
pleasure out of sex. Just recently I've decided that I want to make more of an
effort so that my husband and I can have better sex. He is the type of guy that
doesn't like talking about things. I don't know what is going on in his head,
what he likes, whether something will turn him off (like if i come on too strong
or use language that he's not used to). I also need help expressing to him what
I need. I feel that we have a lot of sexual "taboo's" that need to be
overcome and I was wondering if you could offer me any advice in this area.
Thanks,
L. Mcl
Dear
L.Mc,
We
are required to reply directly to the website. We are sorry, but we are
not able to respond directly to you, unless you hire us. We hope you
understand. We think you have already identified the primary hurdle in the
way of getting your needs met and knowing what his needs are communication!
Congratulations! It takes some people years to recognize that the
communication piece is missing and consequently effects the relationship on a
variety of levels in this case sexually.
What
is an exciting “sex-life” to you? Sometimes people perceive the
outside world as having some wild and gymnastic “sex life.” It may be
important to identify exactly what you want or expect. What are the taboos? What
would you like to try? If you can open up the doors of communication maybe
you can address the taboo issues? Communication is the key because
without communication you would have a very difficult time trying to get your
needs met or finding out about what he wants.
Have
you told him what you articulated to us? We think you did an excellent job
expressing what you need when you explained it to us. Have you told him that you
are not as pleasured as you would like from your sexual play? It sounds like you
desire more expression and feedback from him. It sounds like you want to
know him deeply and that you are angry and maybe resentful that he doesn’t
communicate what is going on for him? Is that close? It is great that you
want to invest more into the relationship. It will be important that he
also invests. You could be the most invested partner in the world and
sacrifice yourself for the relationship, but if your partner does not invest it
wouldn’t really matter. Relationships involve work and effort and
feedback from everyone. We just thought it may help you to know that you
aren’t responsible for “fixing” anything or everything. That
responsibility falls on everyone.
The
challenge seems to be - how does a couple begin communicating when they have
fallen into a pattern of not communicating over the last few years? A
couples therapist or family therapist may benefit you and help you break some of
the old patterns of “non-communication.” If that is not a possibility
you both will have to find new ways to share and check-in with one another.
It may take a lot of work. But, there is no better investment in a
relationship than open and honest communication. Shan&Claude
HTHGS: Shy during sex
(Written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
Hi, I am involved in a sexual relationship but I am quite shy when having sex.
My boyfriend has been making it obvious that he wants me to go on top because it
would really turn him on, and I would like this too but I am not sure what to
do. He said I should squat over him, but I am not sure what to do. I want him to
enjoy it but I need to know how :) Sorry if that seems like a silly question,
please help. Thank you :):) S
Dear S,
This is not a silly question. If you want some excellent educational aides
check out some erotica (porn)! They could help you see how women
“ride” from the top. There are many different styles and techniques.
You may just have to try it to discover if it works for you and if it pleasures
you. Depending on your size and his size and your style you may find being on
top very pleasurable. We will tell you that you may find that it is work!
You will have to do most of the moving and thrusting and it can be quite a
workout! Many women find being on top liberating and powerful - and
pleasurable! Have fun figuring out the top, Shan & Claude
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