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Sexual
fantasies
HTHGS: Sexual fantasies (written by Kelly Connell, MS.Ed.)
Ask Kelly,
My name is Stephen Wilson and I have a question that has been giving me some
trouble. I am a 34 year old man and I am dating a 26 year old women. We have
been dating for close to a year now, but the other night we were talking about
fantasies, and my girlfriend Katrina told me of two fantasies that she has
thought of over the years. The first one was kind of a roll plaything, but it
was to be blindfolded, and raped. The second one was to explore the whole topic
of sex with a dog. Now when I first heard these things I was taken back some. I
could not understand the fantasy of being raped. Roll playing is one thing, but
to me, a rape is a very violent act. I tried to explain how I felt about that
topic, but I am not sure if I made myself really clear on it. Is this a normal
fantasy, or at least one that a lot of women have? As far as the topic of sex
with a dog goes, I have heard of it before and it really makes me sick inside. I
told her that there was no way I could be a part of it, or even be in a
relationship with someone who is into that. I am just concerned that it would
not be healthy for her. Could she get hurt by that sort of thing if she was to
go through with it? I am just worried that it could hurt her for life, and she
is so young to do anything that might cause permanent damage to herself. Well
that is all I really wanted help with, I would appreciate any help or advice you
could give me. Thank you, Stephen Wilson
Dear Stephen,
I can understand your concern about the nature of your girlfriend's fantasies.
First let me say that to share a sexual fantasy with someone is a mark of trust
and intimacy in the relationship. It is not always an easy thing to do.
Many people are worried about their partner's reaction and about being judged or
seen as abnormal. So it sounds like she really trusts you , which is a good
thing.
Second, most people have
fantasies they would not really want to happen to them in real life-that is why
they are called fantasies. Usually they represent something else. I am sure your
girlfriend does not really want to be raped. You are right, it is a violent act
that has nothing to do with making love. Some women who fantasize about being
raped are really trying to give themselves permission to be sexual. Society
sends messages to women that they are not supposed to enjoy sex, it is only for
reproduction and there is the ever present double standard between men and women
when it comes to having sex. Women are supposed to attach it to a
relationship, for men it is OK for it to be casual etc. Sometimes, the only way
a woman can justify her desire for sex is to have a fantasy where it is taken
from her-then it is not her fault. I am not saying that this is the case with
your girlfriend, only one way of looking at it.
About the dog thing...I
would not say it is abnormal and it really is not that uncommon, but again, it
may only be a fantasy. not something she really wants to do. I doubt if she
would damage herself for life if she did this. You have every right to refuse to
do ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable and she should respect that.
Fantasizing can be very erotic and we all do it. Sharing those fantasies with a
partner can be a way to become closer, but some people choose to keep them
private.
One
thing I would recommend is that you read the books written by Nancy Friday on
the subject of women's sexual fantasies. She gathered information from
hundreds of women about their fantasies and put them into some books and talks
about what they night mean. The two you mention in your email are included. One
of the books is called, "MY Secret Garden." there are 2 or 3 others
that I can't think of right now, but they will be in the library or bookstore.
She also did one with men. I hope this helps! Good luck, Kelly Connell MS.Ed.
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