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Cyber Sex
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.
HTHGS: Cyber
Cheating (written by Lancie Martin Mazza, LCSW)
Ask Lancie,
This question doesn't really relate
to sex, but I am seek some advice. I have been going out with my boyfriend for
almost a year now. I live with him. He has a computer and is going to
college for Computer Engineering. I love him very much, and he says he
loves me.
I think we have a very great
relationship for the most part, but
lately he has been going online and talking to a
lot of females. He sends and receives his and their pictures and spends
literally hours chatting with them, (all the while not even bothering to take
time to ask me how I am doing!)
It's gotten to the point where the
first thing he does when he comes home from work is turn on his
computer, sit down, and spend hours
online. I told him how I felt, and hope that I
am not over reacting by being a little jealous that he would rather tell these
internet girls his feelings rather than me.
To get to my point, the other day I
came home and saw he had mistakenly forgot to shut off his chat. I saw
the messages that he is receiving from these other women, and they
upset me very much!! One
of them simply said "I love you"
others said the natural pick up lines, and lastly, I noticed that he has his
ex girlfriend on his chat list. I questioned him about all this and he said
that his ex girlfriend has been dating a guy for 10 months and that he has me
here, so why would he want her,,, and also said that he's just "playing
around" with these other girls.
I honestly don't know what to do. I
asked other women who I work with about this, and some admitted that they have
had problems with their boyfriends / husbands and chatting with women on the
internet also. I guess we are all kind of curious about how we should maybe
handle this situation??
Dear Internet Widow,
I have a feeling you already know
what is going on with your boyfriend. The description you have provided
for me is of an individual who is cheating. No, he is not having sex, or
taking these women out to dinner, but he is taking away attention from you and
giving it to them. Cyber cheating is a type of emotional betrayal. Your
boyfriend has stopped asking about you, validating your feelings, and is
encouraging other women to have romantic feelings for him.
If these men (and often women) were
engaging and encouraging relationships with others in person, over the phone,
or through letter writing, you and your friends would be outraged. The group
would be thinking of ways to get rid of these significant others rather than
wondering "how to handle this situation."
In your specific case, your
boyfriend may or may not be involved with his ex-girlfriend. He is
however exchanging pictures, information, time and energy with other
women. Just because it is over the internet does not make it any less real.
Cyberspace has become one of the fastest growing tools for meeting new
partners, regardless of whether or not a girlfriend or wife is involved.
Even if your boyfriend were not
involving other women in his computer preoccupation, he is still (from what
you have described) not paying attention to you and your needs. This is
a red flag that something in the relationship is not working. You have
two choices: Put up with it and continue to allow him to focus his
attention in another direction (all the while fooling yourself that his
intentions toward these women are purely innocent), or take a stand and tell
him to reinvest in the relationship or you are moving on.
Remember, no one is going to take
care of you, if you cannot take care of yourself first. Trust your instincts
they sound like good ones. Lancie
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