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HTHGS: Tight & painful sex (written
by Dr. Feintech)
Ask Dr. Feintech
Dear Miss Sexy,
I have two theories (both of which may be true).
The first is that you may have a physical obstruction to intercourse called an
"annular hymen" which would explain the difficulty on intromission.
Other possibilities are a vaginal infection or ????? Your gynecologist or
family physician would be the best resource for you here and could examine your
vagina to make sure that everything is ok and give you medical advice there is a
My hunch is that it is not physical, but related to pacing,
timing, and adequate foreplay. You use the phrase "at the
beginning when my boyfriend sticks it in"......You didn't say, " after
lots of joyful and meaningful emotional connection and rich, wonderful,
foreplay, when I can no longer stand to not have him in me, there is pain when
he enters me...."
Here's the deal......women and men are wired up
differently....men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots......Women
need emotional connection, time, lots of good kissing, and a good deal of slow,
non-demanding, tender touching, all over, not just genitally....... Women,
particularly sexually inexperienced ones, tend to "hand things over to the
male", because they don't know their own bodies and response patterns well
enough to "take charge" themselves. I suspect what's going
on here is that he is ready for intercourse, but you are nowhere near
ready....he is in orbit and you are still on the launching pad! The same act,
i.e. intromission, which would be experienced pleasurably late in the sexual
response cycle, is experienced painfully, early in the sexual response cycle,
before your body is prepared or ready for intromission. My advice to
you would be to make sure that there is sufficient foreplay, emotional
connection, and tenderness for you to be fully aroused before you allow him to
enter you.....in other words, wait until your vulva is absolutely screaming for
him and you can't bear it for a minute longer before screaming " I want you
in me".....Also...you make the decision when it's time for intromission,
not him....he doesn't know, but believes that he should! Every man
needs to think he's an expert of vaginas, but only women are experts on vaginas
and only you are an expert on yours and only you know when your vulva are
"screaming" for him and urgently want him.......If you don't get to
that point, don't have intercourse....the last thing you need is to create a
pattern and history of painful intercourse which is not satisfying to you.
You also might find that a high quality, water based
lubricant such as Astroglide (do not use Vaseline or other greasy stuff) can
help, but don't use it as a substitute for adequate stimulation prior to
intromission and above all, emotional connection, love, and tenderness.
Good luck, see if this helps....If it doesn't a couple
sessions with a qualified sex therapist might do the trick for you.
Ron Feintech, PH.D., FACAPP
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