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She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not 
by Lancie Mazza Martin, LCSW


Dear Lancie,
  My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 11 months.  Our relationship started off extremely sexual.  We would have sex on a frequent basis.  It was a relationship that I felt was going very well. The relationship wasn't totally based on sex. We found that we were two very interesting people and that we had a lot in common.  I instantly fell in love with her and the sex was really good.   We continued this way for about two months and then we had to leave each, as we are college students and summer break had come.  I felt that this would be the real test to our relationship, but we made it through. She lives three hours away from me but I would visit and we would have the greatest of times.  And yes the sex was still really good.  Well summer break ended and we got back to school.We picked up right where things left off.  Hanging out and having sex on a steady basis.  Then about a week into school she totally stopped wanting me to touch her.  Sex was cut down to once a week or longer.  I got upset and couldn't understand why she had turned me off so abruptly.  She gave me excuses like that we were having sex so much because it was just the "honeymoon" period in our relationship.  On top of that, she stopped pleasuring me.  She always asked me to pleasure her, whether it be orally or with my hand, but when I would ask she would give me some excuse. 
  When we started this relationship I told her that I was a sexual person.  I like sex.  I have told her about how I feel and have asked her why our relationship has changed.  She tells me that I should be happy with what I get because people in marriages don't have sex for months.
  I feel that I do so much for her, yet she won't provide this little act that I ask for.  She doesn't seem willing to change and I am left hurting.  What do I do?  Any advice that you can give me would be most appreciated. Sincerely,  Sleepless Without Sex.  

Dear Sleepless Without Sex,
It is always hard to give advice when I am only hearing one side of the story, but I will do my best with what you have given me.  There has been an observe difference in your girlfriends behavior and this is what we must focus on.  According to you, nothing in the relationship has changed other than your sex life, or has it?  Ask yourself the following questions; am I treating her with the same amount of love and respect?  Have I changed in some way since the summer break?

If you can honestly answer yes to the first question and no to the second, then something within your partner has definitely changed.

There is such a thing as a “honeymoon” period in most relationships.  This is the time when you cannot get enough of each other.  For some couples this includes heightened sexual desires, emotional preoccupation, and often believing your partner can do no wrong.  Having acknowledged this phenomenon let me say I do not think this is the cause for the change in your relationship. 

From your description of your girlfriend, it appears one of two things has happened, either she had a traumatic experience over the summer (possibly her parents separated, or it may have been sexual) or she is not as taken with you as you might want to believe.  I am in no way a mind reader, but the sudden changes in your sex life leads me to conclude this relationship has undergone a dramatic change that you are not tuned into.

So, what advice can I give you?  Take a long hard look at what might have led up to the deterioration in your overall relationship.  If your girlfriend is struggling with some issue (other than sex) that she has not shared with you, attempt to find out what is going on.  However, if her feelings for you have some how changed and she continues to treat you with out the respect you deserve, than I suggest you move on.

Remember sex is often an indicator of how close two people feel to one another.  If you are feeling hurt and unappreciated, than there is a deeper problem than just your sex life, that is coming between you and your girlfriend. 

Lancie Martin Mazza, LCSW
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Feel free to submit your questions to Lancie Martin Mazza at lancie@howtohavegoodsex.com 

 

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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.

 

  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to alex@howtohavegoodsex.com and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 
                                                                                    

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