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Past Tips |
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S&M
- S&M
(written by Alex Robboy, LSW)
- Playing
rough (written by Alex Robboy, LSW)
- Common
S&M Toys
HTHGS: S&M
What is sadomasochism (S&M) and who practices it? Wanting
your partner to throw you down on the bed, take off your clothes and have sex
with you AND/OR wanting to tie your partner up and have sex them is NORMAL.
Many people find the thought of being overpowered, AND/OR overpowering the
other person arousing. There is a name for this type of behavior,
Sadomasochism (S&M). When I tell this to people, I find that many people
are surprised. They have think that all S&M is about physically being
hurt, or hurting someone (gaining sexual pleasure from beating your partner to
the point of black and blue). S&M does not involve coercion. Rather,
S&M is about an exchange of power.
S&M, according to many people in the field of
human sexuality, is included as a form of "safer sex". It is
included in the continuum of safer sex because is more than just genital
stimulation. It is about mental stimulation, sight, sounds, smells, and
thoughts all become crucial to having a sexual experience.
The exchange of power: In S&M play, there
are two primary roles 'dominant' and 'submissive'. What this means is that one
person will be in charge and the other person will follow his/her directions.
Once the two (or more) people have assumed their role of 'dominant' or
'submissive' the 'scene' has begun. These 'scenes' typically last anywhere
between one second to several days. All this may be sounding too complex or
unrealistic. Yet, in reality most people engage in this behavior without the
use of these labels. Often in sexual encounters, there is some form of
exchange of power. People tend to take turns receiving or giving sexual
pleasure. This exchange of control is non-verbal. In the S&M that I am
speaking of, the rules are more defined. Both people ahead of time have
verbally agreed to the roles. The easiest way to think about S&M is by
viewing it on a continuum with different degrees of dominance or
submissiveness. The important part to realize is that all sexual relations use
this exchange of power to some degree or another.
The Golden rule, knowing when no really means NO.
One of the most critical parts to a successful role-play, is knowing when no
really means NO. The dominant person should always be able to distinguish a
real NO from a prescribed no. One useful technique, other than saying
"The scene is over, please stop" is to use a code word. This word
could be 'banana' or 'teddy bear' or some other such word that would be easy
for both of you (or three, or four, or five . . . ) to remember. Once this
word is used, the 'scene' is broken and both people leave their roles.
Actually (at least in my opinion) this is what
makes S&M an exchange of power. In one sense the dominant person is in
charge, because she/he is boss. In the other sense, the submissive person is
in charge, because she/he controls when the scene ends. Point being, both
people have power and control, it is just that in this case, the power and
control is prescribed ahead of time. There are no surprises (at least in that
respect).
HTHGS:
Playing Rough (written by Alex Robboy, LSW)
Ask Alex,
I have been with my boyfriend for 6mths and our sex life is great but I wish for
more! He is a big guy and I’m sure he is afraid he will hurt me. But sometimes
I wish we could have things breaking on the floor, clothes ripping, pull my hair
kind of sex! I want to be man-handled! but he's too sweet and self conscience
for all that! I don't know how to open him up! help!!! -- I’ve got
a softie
Dear Softie,
I am wondering what is preventing you from make your desires clear to him?
If you are having trouble finding the right words, try showing him this
letter.
Unless you tell him
DIRECTLY what you want, there is NO WAY he will ever know how to please you.
The general rule of thumb is that without guidance, it’s your fault if he is
not pleasing you. Most men (and
women), are more than happy to experiment with new sexual behaviors if they know
it will turn their partner on. While
your boyfriend may be shy, and uncomfortable trying out new things, with LOTS of
encouragement and POSITIVE reinforcement almost everyone gets over their
embarrassment. For example, the first time some women have sex with the lights
on, they feel self conscious about their bodies. However, once they learn that
their partner thinks they look really sexy naked their discomfort dissipates.
This tip was originally written by Alex Robboy,
LSW
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