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 Saying the wrong name in your sleep

Ask Erika,
Last night I said another woman's name in my sleep but I do not even the woman or have any memory of the dream. Now my wife thinks I know the woman and having an affair. What do I do? Shawn

 Dear Shawn,
Thanks for your question and I can understand why you would feel frustrated. The best you can do is be honest with your wife, which it sounds like are already doing. You could also tell her (and let her read this response if you'd like) that everyone--men and women-go through regular sexual response cycles when they sleep. Sometimes   these are accompanies by sexual dreams, which may have been the case in your situation. The fact that you don't remember the dream or know the woman isn't surprising; the unconscious mind often works in mysterious ways. It's also normal for people in relationships to have fantasies about people other than their primary partner. Having a fantasy about someone else doesn't mean that you will--or even want to--act on that fantasy. Finally, you may want to explore with a relationship counselor the issues of jealousy and trust in your relationship. Working through these issues together with an objective, third party can be very helpful because jealousy is an intense emotion that can potentially block open, honest, and productive communication within a relationship.  Good luck, Erika Pluhar,




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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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September 19, 2006