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Sex abuse? or normal sex play?

Ask Erika
I need some help with my daughter & son. I saw my kids in there room and they were so called naked and my son was down there on her and she was down there on him then I opened the door and they just staid there like rocks I said what are you two doing and then they just ran out the room I saw them every night doing this since then what can I do to help they are just little kids but look big like (son)17 and (daughter)19 but they are only 14 years old help me please I am 34 male single.

Dear Gary,
Thank you for your question. It sounds like the situation you describe is disturbing to you and I'm glad you are seeking help on how to deal with it. Although it isn't possible to fully assess the situation because there are some further details I would need to have (i.e., Are these step-siblings? Is the sexual behavior consensual?), I can give you the following information:

   Childhood sex play between young children (through about age 8 or 9) often occurs in the form of taking off clothes, "playing doctor," or comparing body parts. However, if your children are both 14 and are engaging in what sounds like mutual oral sex, there may be a problem. 14-year-olds are able to understand what they are doing (unlike young children) and if they are repeating this behavior, it is possible that there is something problematic going on. I would suggest contacting your family doctor or a mental health professional as soon as possible to discuss the situation further. Good luck and I appreciate your question - written by Dr. Pluhar



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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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September 19, 2006