Sex life sucks

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Sex life sucks

Ask Erika,

My fiancée and I are getting married in May. MY sex life sucks. He watches porn on the Internet, you know the rest. While I get no satisfaction whatsoever. He doesn’t touch me. When he does, I get on top come and get off. It is a ritual, honestly. I am so frustrated, depressed and don’t know what to do.

I think he is bisexual, I know he is. I used to f*** where he likes it and that is fine with me. I love that too. But I don’t understand anything that is going on. He is 39 and I am 33. It seems that he needs a lot of stimulation. I am sorry I can not compete with a porn star. I am so sad right now.

I think about us getting married, and trust me it looks very bleak for me right now. I think I should f** somebody else and everything will go away. But that is not me. I want him to be the only one in my life I have sex with. In today’s world I am starting to think that is not normal. Maybe I should be promiscuous. Sincerely, Desperate

Dear Desperate,
I'm sorry to hear that you are in an unhappy situation. My first reaction when I read your description was, "have you told him all this?" Does your fiancée know that you are this unhappy? If not, I would suggest that you share your feelings with him right away. Communication is #1 in any relationship and changes cannot happen without feelings being expressed. If you do or have shared your feelings with him and things remain the same, I would suggest that you two seek counseling soon--and definitely before you decide to commit your lives to each other through marriage. You can contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. You could also seek help through a marriage and family therapist who has experience working with couples and doing premarital therapy. Go to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists to find one in your area. If you are being married in or belong to a church or synagogue, you may be able to get counseling from a minister, priest, rabbi, etc. The best thing both of you can do at this point is to seek some help for you as individuals and as a couple. I wish you and your fiancée the best of luck and I hope that you are able to work it out and be happy in your relationship--emotionally and sexually. Sincerely, Erika Pluhar,

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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc. Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist. Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.

Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved.
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September 19, 2006