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Relationship Problems
HTHGS: Relationship Problems
(Written by Chris Fariello)
Ask Chris,
I have been seeing a man for about
1.5 years and he has not introduced me to any of his family
and I have met only one of his friends (and I was introduced as a
business partner), his son and his ex girlfriend, (his son's mother
for only a minute). This in itself is weird. My first thought / feeling
was that he had another woman, he swears not.
We live about an hour apart in
Toronto, his son lives far from him as well, 1.5 hrs. and he does drive a
lot. He feels we live too far apart and is always wanting to wait
until our situation changes before he commits to a serious
relationship with me, which I felt we were already involved in. At first
I was hurt but I can see that this is not going to work as both our
needs as people will not be met. I am a social person, he states he is
not.
We work together in a business
environment and speak to each other daily. Each time I agree to let go
or break it off and say goodbye as lovers, he agrees but insists we
must be friends and keep in contact with one another.
My biggest "beef" is that
I feel that we have not been together as a couple, he has kept me at a
distance for some time unless it has involved his son and mine who are
close in age, or our business relation which may remain in any
event. We have had amazing sex together, something he says is hard
for him to let go of. I do like him as a person and we both have
our own emotional baggage, but I feel that I am constantly shut out
by him i.e.. when he arrive to see me he is already announcing his
departure for the next day as he walks in, he had not invited me to
a couple of parties he had last summer, and has already planned his
vacation with his son alone this summer. During the course of this
relationship we have seen each other 2 - 3 times a week max and
spend little to no vacation time together as he wants to be alone
with his son, that is alright with me as I have my own son to raise.
We have had lucid times together and enjoy each others company from
time to time.
He gives me mixed messages, from
marriage to I'm not ready now to let's wait until summer, he always
suggests that if I wait until whenever things are going to change
and he will be ready then and in fact this has been going on for the
duration of this relation and nothing has changed but my
attitude, I want to move on from this and not think about why he would be so mixed up.
Last weekend I caught him lying to
me and he had admitted to lying to me before. He said that he was with
his son out of town and would not be back until later that day and my
call display indicated he was in fact in town. He said he did not
want to tell me because he wanted to something other than spend time
with me and did not want an argument. At that time I told him our
personal relationship was off, completely. Since that time he has
called every day at least 3 times to tell me how much he misses me
and likes me and now wants me to meet his brother and friends who
live close to me. He has also said that he really wants this
relationship to work out (only after a professional meeting where the
prospective client was interested in me as a woman and he was jealous).
This man grew up without his mother after 14 when she passed
away, if that has any bearing. I had grown up in an abusive household
myself and have had years of therapy for it.
My question is why would a man say
not now, you are free, I want this to work out, and I want you forever
but wait? What is the best way to say goodbye and be able to maintain
a professional relationship? Thanks for your time,
Janis
Janis,
I feel for you. Your story is not
necessarily an unusual one and I would need to know more understand
the reason behind both your and his decision to remain in this type
of relationship. What does stick out, however, is that you do not
sound happy about the current situation. I usually suggest to my
clients to go with their gut. If you feel cautious about his
intentions you may want to see that as a red flag. This may not speak
directly to his character but rather the similarities to each of your
perspective WANTS in terms of a relationship. You have spent 1.5
years already. Assuming the relationship will not progress, how
much longer would you be willing to "settle" for good sex
and occasional meetings? His recent reaction can be the result of many
catalysts, perhaps he is sincere, or perhaps he only believes he is.
Knowing/believing will be difficult. Establish for yourself specific
boundaries and enforce them. It's important that you take responsibility for your own decisions in this
relationship.
As for saying goodbye- this is
never easy. Again, you need to make a decision for yourself, set
boundaries, and let him know what they are. Then you must stick to it.
Typically there is pain associated with breaking up. This tends to be
elongated when the break up drags on and on with hopes that things
will change (typically, he will change) and they never do.
Finally, it can never hurt to seek
professional help, even for a short time, to help understand how
you ended up in this type of relationship and well as mourning
the loss.
Janis, if you demonstrate to people
your strength, they will see it and offer you the respect you
deserve. You will also get more of your wants, and will spend less time
waiting for others to meet your expectations. Good luck, Chris
this tip was originally written by
Chris Fariello , MA, MFT
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