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Sexual Communication Styles Test
The goal of this test is
to identify you and your partners preferred communication style in the bedroom.
For those of you who are
not good at talking about your likes and dislikes in the bedroom, brace
yourself, because you will likely learn some new tricks of the trade.
The first step is to set
aside a two hour time period without any competing distractions so that the two
of you can ‘take the test.’ This test is progressive, and if you opt to complete
all the steps, it will take many two hour periods of times over the course of
many days. Please note, we strongly encourage couples to make time to be
intimate together. We believe that sex, if done well, is fun and the sexual
connection that develops between the couple is part of the glue that holds them
together.
The First Stage – A
Back Massage: The purpose of
starting with a back massage is that lovers tend to feel more comfortable
talking about it, than they do with sex. Remember, this test is progressive.
The first stage will likely yield most of the answers that you need to identify
the answer that you are seeking. However, by progressing through each test, you
will learn more, and probably have increasing amounts of fun!
This test is divided
into five minute segments. Please
follow each step, and follow all the rules.
- Take five minutes and
touch your partner in any way that turns you on. During this five minute
segment, if your partner hates the type of massage you are giving, do not
worry. We don’t care, unless of course she/he is screaming in pain. Then we
suggest you switch and do something else. This segment is about selfish
touch. Your partner, to the best of his or her ability must be silent and
give as little feedback as possible. The feedback comes later.
- Take five minutes and
touch your partner in any way that you believe will sexually excite him or
her on. Regardless of the type of touch you use, some people will never get
turned on by a backrub. If that is the case, then just give a backrub in a
way that you think they will find relaxing. The receiving partner must be
completely silent. Unless of course, they hate it, or are very
uncomfortable. Then it would be appropriate to use words and explain to your
partner why that form of touch is not working for you.
- Take five minutes and
play the Moan-Groan Game: If your partner is enjoying how she / he is
getting touched, he/she needs to moan or groan. The louder the noise, the
more he/she is enjoying it. If your partner is uncomfortable moaning or
groaning, encourage your partner to moo like a cow, or cluck like a chicken.
Allow yourself to laugh. The point of this exercise is to get comfortable
using sounds as a form of communication. If noise makes you or your partner
laugh, consider yourself lucky! A key component to having good sex is having
the ability to laugh in bed.
- Take five minutes and
play the Movement Game: The goal is to please the receiver. Thus, if the
receiver is enjoying the type of touch you are giving, he/she should use
his/her body to react. For example, if the touch is too hard, the receiver
might shift his/her body away from the touch, and if the touch is
pleasurable the receiver might move closer, or use his / her hand to touch
you. Throughout this section of the massage, the receiver must be
completely silent.
- Take five minutes and
have the receiver try to guide the givers hand. Clearly, this is a hard task
to accomplish on the back. You may need to sit up and have the giver
practice on your leg or some other body part hat you can demonstrate on. For
example, if the woman is giving a hand job, the guy should take his hands
and put it over the woman’s hands to try to show her how he likes a hand
job. Again, the receiver is not allowed to user his/her voice. She/he must
be completely silent.
- The last five minutes
is where the receiver uses his or her words to verbally tell the giver how
she / he wants to be touched. Try to tell the giver why a particular type of
touch is desirable.
Hints to giver: Focus on small changes. Your
goal is to get feedback. If the types of touch you are giving are too
drastically different from one another it is hard to interpret the feedback that
you are getting, thus focus on one of the three things
·
Changing the speed in which you
are touching your partner and nothing else.
·
Changing the type of pressure
that you are using to touch your partner and nothing else.
·
Changing the location of where
you are touching your partner by simply an inch, and nothing else.
Now switch roles. The giver becomes the
receiver, and the receiver becomes the giver.
After all of the above steps, the initial test
is complete. Now it is time to analyze the data so that you can properly
identify the preferred form of sexual communication in the bedroom between you
and your partner.
After you have completed this exercise, switch
roles. The giver becomes the receiver, and the receiver becomes the giver.
Once each person has had the opportunity to
give and to receive, answer the following questions
- Did you prefer being
the giver or the receiver and why?
- What type of feedback
was most useful and why?
- What type of feedback
was least useful and why?
- Which five minutes
were the most pleasurable and why?
- Which five minutes
were the least pleasurable and why?
- What was your
partners favorite type of touch and why?
- What was your
favorite type of touch and why?
Repeat this test in its entirety three times.
This will help you better understand what is your partners typical mode of
operation as opposed to a random fluke. Furthermore, by doing it several times,
your partner might just get the hang of knowing how to touch you.
Golden Rules of this Communication Test:
·
If the person gets close to
orgasm, stop, and let the person ‘cool off.’ Then begin again. This entire
exercise is a test, not foreplay.
·
Do not engage in sex after taking
this test. The test is different than sex.
·
Practice, practice and more
practice. Have fun with it.
Advanced Stages
·
Stage Two: repeat the exercise
giving a full back massage.
·
Stage Three: repeat the exercise
giving a full front massage – no nipples or genitals.
·
Stage Four: repeat the exercise
focusing on the chest. Hint: do not focus on the nipples. 35 minutes of pure
nipple stimulation will turn most people off.
·
Stage Five: repeat the exercise
focusing on manual stimulation (hand job / digital stimulation).
·
Stage Six: repeat the exercise
focusing on oral stimulation of the genitals.
·
Stage Seven: repeat the exercise
while engaging in intercourse. Instead of having a Giver / Receiver, imagine one
person being in control, and the other person being a passive recipient.
Written by "Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW |
