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Sexual Communication Styles Test

The goal of this test is to identify you and your partners preferred communication style in the bedroom.

For those of you who are not good at talking about your likes and dislikes in the bedroom, brace yourself, because you will likely learn some new tricks of the trade. 

The first step is to set aside a two hour time period without any competing distractions so that the two of you can ‘take the test.’ This test is progressive, and if you opt to complete all the steps, it will take many two hour periods of times over the course of many days.  Please note, we strongly encourage couples to make time to be intimate together. We believe that sex, if done well, is fun and the sexual connection that develops between the couple is part of the glue that holds them together.

 The First Stage – A Back Massage: The purpose of starting with a back massage is that lovers tend to feel more comfortable talking about it, than they do with sex.  Remember, this test is progressive.  The first stage will likely yield most of the answers that you need to identify the answer that you are seeking. However, by progressing through each test, you will learn more, and probably have increasing amounts of fun!


This test is divided into five minute segments.  Please follow each step, and follow all the rules.

  • Take five minutes and touch your partner in any way that turns you on.  During this five minute segment, if your partner hates the type of massage you are giving, do not worry. We don’t care, unless of course she/he is screaming in pain. Then we suggest you switch and do something else.  This segment is about selfish touch. Your partner, to the best of his or her ability must be silent and give as little feedback as possible. The feedback comes later.   
  • Take five minutes and touch your partner in any way that you believe will sexually excite him or her on. Regardless of the type of touch you use, some people will never get turned on by a backrub. If that is the case, then just give a backrub in a way that you think they will find relaxing.  The receiving partner must be completely silent. Unless of course, they hate it, or are very uncomfortable. Then it would be appropriate to use words and explain to your partner why that form of touch is not working for you.
  • Take five minutes and play the Moan-Groan Game: If your partner is enjoying how she / he is getting touched, he/she needs to moan or groan. The louder the noise, the more he/she is enjoying it. If your partner is uncomfortable moaning or groaning, encourage your partner to moo like a cow, or cluck like a chicken. Allow yourself to laugh. The point of this exercise is to get comfortable using sounds as a form of communication.  If noise makes you or your partner laugh, consider yourself lucky! A key component to having good sex is having the ability to laugh in bed. 
  • Take five minutes and play the Movement Game: The goal is to please the receiver.  Thus, if the receiver is enjoying the type of touch you are giving, he/she should use his/her body to react.  For example, if the touch is too hard, the receiver might shift his/her body away from the touch, and if the touch is pleasurable the receiver might move closer, or use his / her hand to touch you.  Throughout this section of the massage, the receiver must be completely silent.  
  • Take five minutes and have the receiver try to guide the givers hand. Clearly, this is a hard task to accomplish on the back. You may need to sit up and have the giver practice on your leg or some other body part hat you can demonstrate on. For example, if the woman is giving a hand job, the guy should take his hands and put it over the woman’s hands to try to show her how he likes a hand job. Again, the receiver is not allowed to user his/her voice. She/he must be completely silent.
  • The last five minutes is where the receiver uses his or her words to verbally tell the giver how she / he wants to be touched. Try to tell the giver why a particular type of touch is desirable.


Hints to giver: Focus on small changes. Your goal is to get feedback. If the types of touch you are giving are too drastically different from one another it is hard to interpret the feedback that you are getting, thus focus on one of the three things


·        Changing the speed in which you are touching your partner and nothing else.

·        Changing the type of pressure that you are using to touch your partner and nothing else.

·        Changing the location of where you are touching your partner by simply an inch, and nothing else.


Now switch roles. The giver becomes the receiver, and the receiver becomes the giver.

After all of the above steps, the initial test is complete.  Now it is time to analyze the data so that you can properly identify the preferred form of sexual communication in the bedroom between you and your partner.


After you have completed this exercise, switch roles. The giver becomes the receiver, and the receiver becomes the giver.  


Once each person has had the opportunity to give and to receive, answer the following questions


  • Did you prefer being the giver or the receiver and why?
  • What type of feedback was most useful and why?
  • What type of feedback was least useful and why?
  • Which five minutes were the most pleasurable and why?
  • Which five minutes were the least pleasurable and why?
  • What was your partners favorite type of touch and why?
  • What was your favorite type of touch and why?

 Repeat this test in its entirety three times. This will help you better understand what is your partners typical mode of operation as opposed to a random fluke.  Furthermore, by doing it several times, your partner might just get the hang of knowing how to touch you.   


 Golden Rules of this Communication Test:

·         If the person gets close to orgasm, stop, and let the person ‘cool off.’ Then begin again.  This entire exercise is a test, not foreplay.

·         Do not engage in sex after taking this test. The test is different than sex.   

·         Practice, practice and more practice. Have fun with it.


 Advanced Stages

·         Stage Two: repeat the exercise giving a full back massage.

·         Stage Three: repeat the exercise giving a full front massage – no nipples or genitals.

·         Stage Four: repeat the exercise focusing on the chest. Hint: do not focus on the nipples. 35 minutes of pure nipple stimulation will turn most people off.

·         Stage Five: repeat the exercise focusing on manual stimulation (hand job / digital stimulation).

·         Stage Six: repeat the exercise focusing on oral stimulation of the genitals.

·         Stage Seven: repeat the exercise while engaging in intercourse. Instead of having a Giver / Receiver, imagine one person being in control, and the other person being a passive recipient. 

Written by "Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW


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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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