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By Lancie Martin Mazza

Ask Lancie,

I am graduating college in two months. My boyfriend who's 25 graduated from the same college about six months ago. He is a bartender at two jobs which really stresses him out. Recently he told me he needs space and time away from me. He wouldn't cheat on me, I believe him. I gave him space, but now he's telling me that he's not sure if he's still in love with me. We've been together for nine great months. I don't understand why he's doing this. He keeps telling me "I don't want to ruin your life" and " I'm going to be a bartender forever and I don't want to drag you down with me." Is this what they call an early midlife crisis? How long do you think he'll be like this? He's been like this for about two weeks now. I love him very much and don't want him out of my life. How do I deal?

Wondering Mind

Dear Wondering Mind,
    Let me start by saying that you and your boyfriend are in a normal phase of life transition. Graduating college is closing the door to the last stage of your childhood and opening the door to independent adulthood.
    This is a period of growth, which can be very exciting and very frightening. You stated that your boyfriend is six years older than you and yet has finished college only six months prior to you. What were the circumstances which took him longer to complete his education? If it was procrastination, he may be having the same issues with the thought of “beginning his life.”
    It sounds as though your boyfriend is having a normal experience of any individual who has recently graduated from college and has to make difficult decisions about their future. His comment that he will always be a bartender, leads me to believe he has little faith in his ability to utilize his education and be successful. The relationship with you, may be added pressure to his feelings of needing to move forward, but not knowing how.
      It is very hard to predict when another individual will change. It sounds as if you were surprised by this sudden decision your boyfriend made when he asked for space, and you may be surprised and bewildered by him or another partner in the future. As well as you feel you know and love him, he is still an individual with independent thoughts and feelings.
    The issue to concentrate on at this point is are you taking care of your own needs? You have also started a new and challenging phase in your life. Take advantage of this time to decide who you are and what you want to do with your education. I’m not telling you to stop supporting your partner, however I am suggesting you leave yourself open to all the adventures wait out there for a you.
Lancie

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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc. Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist. Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.

Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved.
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September 19, 2006