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Wanting More
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Wanting More (written
by Lancie Mazza Martin, LCSW)
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Seduction
(Written by Alex Robboy, LSW)
HTHGS: Wanting More (Written
by Lancie Mazza Martin)
Dear Lancie -
I'm probably going to move soon to
the same suburb as a woman whom I love, but who has indicated that she wants
only 'friendship'. We're both in our fifties. There's nothing much
else doing in my life, relationships-wise, so I've little to lose by moving - to
within two streets of my friend. She is happy with this arrangement, and
helped me choose a house. She is committed to staying in the area indefinitely
as she has an elderly mother nearby and a mentally retarded brother whom she
keeps an eye on. (He isn't an invalid, just simple-minded.)
My friend was divorced in 1990.
She got married to have children, and afterwards turned cool towards her husband
(who, I'm told by a female friend who knew him, was a sweet and gentle man).
Her two sons have now finished school and are going to university. She has
had affairs on the side, stimulated by the extra spice of 'illicit' liaison.
She has indicated to me in the
strongest terms (on New Years Eve, when it came to a head) that our friendship
is to remain of an intellectual and Platonic nature only. Although I
naturally feel 'emasculated' by this, I think that it's better than the
'nothing' I have at present. Besides, I love her a great deal, and she is
perhaps the first woman in my life in whom I have seen 'everything in one'.
What a pity, though, that I'm only to be allowed part of that 'everything'!
She readily admits that she has some
hang-ups (not of a moral kind) with men, and that her very matriarchal mother is
a strong influence. If you know the film called Marnie, she says
that she's a bit like the woman in that.
I'm wondering, then, if you have any
advice for me. I value my friend's intellectual abilities, that are at
least up to mine (we were both at university together, and later, briefly, were
colleagues teaching at the same college), and hope that we can stimulate each
other that way. She first got back in touch with me a few months ago via a
letter saying how bored she was in suburbia. But do you think that there
is any prospect that one-day our hearts, as well as our minds, might meet?
What can I best do to optimize the chances of that? Will it matter very
much if our hearts don't meet? Will my work, which is largely of a
writing kind, suffer if I start to feel sexually frustrated because of my
friend's nearness, when presently I'm merely 'repressed' much of the time (and
have been so for a long while)?
Thanks - Ken M.
Dear Ken M.,
You have asked several difficult
questions and I am not a fortuneteller. I
am however an observer of human
behavior and you have given me a lot of valuable information.
So, lets look at your concerns one by one:
First: Do I Have Any Advice For You?
Yes.
One of the important points you hit upon is that this woman has emotional
and sexual issues of her own which she has not worked through. Her inability to be truly intimate with a partner without
“illicit spice” and the overly influential attachment to her mother are red
flags. How can she be involved in a
healthy relationship with you if she has not addressed her own demons?
Second:
How Can You Optimize Your Chances of Romance?
This woman has been nothing but clear in her communication
with you. She has stated that
she only wants friendship from your interactions. Her
original intentions towards the relationship have not deviated and if you are
intent on being a part of her life, you need to respect her boundaries. I am not saying there is no chance for romance, however the
one sure way to destroy any chance of a future together is to pressure this
woman and disrespect her wishes.
Third: Will Your Work Suffer?
I think the more important question
should be, will you suffer? Being
around a person you feel so strongly for, yet does not return your feelings can
be a way for you to suffer on a continuous basis.
I know you fear age will inhibit you from finding a stimulating partner,
both emotionally and sexually, but fifty is not a death sentence.
I have counseled many women and men in their sixties who are enjoying new
and stimulating relationships.
You say you love this woman a
great deal and she has “everything in one.”
Yet she is totally inaccessible to you.
Yes, she is your companion in a “platonic” nature, but what is it in
you that is willing to move to a new location, remain celibate and pine over a
woman everyday, who does not return you feelings?
If you can answer this question, you may be able to let go of your
agonizing attachment to this woman.
Above all, keep your mind and heart
open. Although you do not see
potential love with another as a viable option, you may be surprised by the
amount of beautiful, intelligent, sexual, and emotionally healthy women out
there over the age of fifty. Besides,
there is nothing more attractive than a man who is independent and knows how to
take care of his own needs.
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