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How to engage in anal sex (written by
Alex Caroline Robboy, LSW)
I am a heterosexual girl, and my partner and I have experimented a little with
anal sex. At first, he was interested in it, but when he saw how I wasn't
interested and how I winced and stopped all sex when he tried to penetrate me
because of the pain he lost interest. The strange thing is that I've now
become really interested in this, even though I know there is a LOT of
discomfort involved. When I approached him with the idea of having anal
sex, he was really hesitant, saying that he knew it would hurt me and then after
agreeing, I winced as he started inserting his penis into me and then he
insisted that we stop. Since he pulled out of me and I didn't want to go through
the initial pain of insertion I eagerly complied. I have two questions,
one how can I get him interested in anal sex again, and how can I limit how much
it hurts-we used plenty of lube, but he does have a very large penis.
Interested in Anal Sex,
Dear Interested in Anal Sex,
I am glad you wrote. There are many things you can do to help the situation.
The first issue that you must tackle is how to let your partner know that
despite the potential for pain, you are interested in experimenting with anal
play. To do so, here are some
possible tactics. You could try the
verbal approach: tell him that despite the fact that you may experience a little
bit of discomfort, you want to try anal sex.
If he is worried that he is hurting you, tell him that you will take care
of yourself and he should worry about his own pleasure. If the pain gets too
severe, you will say the code word, ‘coffee mug’ to signal that you need to
stop. But most likely, you may just say, slow down or lets just stop for a
moment while you adjust to the sensations, but that you do not mean ‘STOP.’
Second you could try the behavioral approach: show him your interest
(e.g. – let your body do the talking). Let
him see how physically excited you are by the idea.
Moan, grown, talk dirty to him. Right
now, he doesn’t trust your body language and he may need some time to adjust
to the idea that something that could cause some discomfort could actually also
be a turn on. In addition, you
could arrange on a Friday night to watch some sexy movies together about couples
having anal sex. As you watch the movie, you could tell him how much the sight
excites you. Lastly, you could purchase some books on ‘how to engage in anal
sex’ and leave them on his coffee table with a note attached saying that you
saw this and thought of him.
To grapple with the pain that you mentioned, there are
several techniques to decrease the pain. The
most important thing you can do is to relax your sphincter muscles.
Tight sphincter muscles can cause pain.
To relax your sphincter muscles try squeezing them ten times fast, and
then feel what they feel like afterwards. Next try simply focusing on relaxing
them. Sometimes, taking several deep breaths help. Another way to do the same
thing is by getting used to the sessions caused by having your anus stimulated.
To do so, start small. Maybe have your partner use his finger inside of
you. Hint, lots of lubrication
helps. Some women love anal stimulation combined with oral sex / manual
Fun ways to use your finger during anal play:
While the woman
is lying down, the man should be down towards her feet, looking up at her
vagina. He then should insert
his index finger into her anus and make the ‘come here motion.’ To facilitate the ease of penetration, place a lot of
water-based-lubricant at the tip of your finger.
Using the same position as before, the man can take his
well – lubricated finger and enter her anus while making very small
Experiment with different finger positions. After each slight
(note the word SLIGHT) variation ask your partner if she liked “choice
A” or “choice B” better. Whichever
she prefers repeat, and then add in some new variable.
Alex Caroline Robboy LSW