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Virgins
HTHGS: More comfort (Written by Shan&Claude) Dear Shan&Claude, Dear “JB please help me,” To start off with honesty and openness are your greatest allies and pressure and manipulation are your enemies. We always recommend communication, communication, and more communication! It may benefit you to explain to her that you deeply desire to be in a relationship that includes intercourse. Being up-front and honest goes a long way. You may discover that you both have different needs at the moment. One scenario is that you both may need to seek different relationships that fulfill what you each desire and need. That may sound extreme, but it is better than months or years of you being miserable or her feeling guilty and pressured. If that happened at least you broke up because you both discovered that you had different values and needs and not because you two were treating one another poorly. Hopefully, the situation does not end with you breaking up! Of course, there are options that are not so “black or white.” You may want to think about and prepare yourself for options. For example what if she said that she isn’t ready yet, but may be in a month? Would you be willing to talk with her about it and wait and see? What is she agreed to manually stimulate you? What is she agreed to watch you masturbate? Would that be satisfying to you? There are a lot of hot options other than intercourse that you both could enjoy. Sometimes these options are called foreplay or outercourse. Our point is would you be willing to compromise or does it have to be intercourse? It may benefit you to know what you want and need out of the relationship when you go into the situation to speak with her about these issues. The main problem with this situation is that you may come across as “sleep with me or I will break up with you.” It is important to avoid that scenario because that is not how it should be put. You and her both deserve to be in a relationship that fulfills your needs. If that includes intercourse for you, but not for her - you two may indeed have a major situation. This situation has the tendency to paint you as the aggressive boyfriend who is hunting for sex and her as the prude girl defending her virginity. The way we see it is that you are a person interested in intercourse and she may not be ready and may never be ready or not ready until marriage. You will have to find that you before making any decisions. You both have values that are valid and important and need to be respected. Better you found out where she is at and her boundaries and learn one another’s expectations than try to pressure her or “convince” her through emotional blackmail like “if you loved me you would” or some other manipulative tactics. You need to remember this young woman is a virgin and
the first person who she has intercourse with she will probably remember for a
long long time. If you really care about her it seems to us that you would want
her to be ready and comfortable and know about contraception. The last thing you
want is to bully someone into having intercourse with you! We assume you
don’t want to be remembered as that jerk who bullied her for months until she
gave in and then had a miserable first time? We assume you would want her
first time to be very special and pleasurable and caring. She (and you) will
remember your feelings about the situation and about one another for a long time
and those feelings may powerfully influence your feelings about intercourse and
sexual behavior. Also, you did not include your age, but regardless of age we would hope that you could both speak openly about something like intercourse and other sexual behavior BEFORE you went forward to engage in such behaviors. It would be a good investment of your time if you and her studied methods of contraception and disease prevention. Perhaps if she knew how to prevent pregnancy and disease she would feel more knowledgeable, less afraid, and more willing to explore sexual behavior? Contraception, prevention methods, communication, mutual respect and honesty are important skills and tools that everyone who is engaging in any form of intercourse (oral, anal, or vaginal) should understand and practice. We hope that helps, Shan&Claude HTHGS:
Virginity (written by Shan&Claude) Ask
Shan&Claude, Dear
Hi, These issues are good to study because our country (and others) are overly focused on being a virgin when in fact what virginity means is very vague and subjective. For example a lesbian could go her entire life and still be considered a virgin by many people even though she may have had a lot of great sex. Also, just because someone has not had penile-vaginal intercourse does not necessarily make them pure or innocent, nice, or moral. A good friend of ours once said that the entire concept of virginity is judgmental and negative and confusing. We are inclined to agree. Hope that helps, Shan&Claude HTHGS: Having sex for the first time (Written by
Shan&Claude) Ask Shan&Claude Dear Two virgins – Ask Shan & Claude, Dear Maria, Congrats on finding someone
special to share your first time. There is no way to say what “guys”
think. What one guy will love another may hate. If you are a poet
and he is special and cares for you we are sure he will be touched by whatever
you decide. Some ideas (these were fun to come up with): a poem, a striptease, a poem written on your body, no words at all just action, buying condoms together (or getting tested together), a collage, hmmm… what really says “I want to share my first time with you???" You could always use the words you have already written to tell him! You could take him to this website and have him read the caring words you have already written to demonstrate how invested you are in sharing something with him? So hey if you are the boyfriend and reading this right now have fun! Also go slow, communicate, don't be afraid to make noise, use condoms and lubrication, make her (possible yours as well) first time special and memorable, and give attention to her clitoris!! Shan & Claude HTHGS: Sex for the first time, (written
by Shan & Claude) Ask Shan & Claude, Dear first time,
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