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Orgasms
How To Have Good Sex, Inc.
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Slow to
orgasm (Written by Shan & Claude)
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More
on orgasms (written by Shan&Claude)
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What it
feels like to have an orgasm (Written by Shan&Claude)
How do I
know if I am having an orgasm? (Written by Shan&Claude) The
female orgasm (written by Shan&Claude) Orgasm
(written by Shan&Claude) Tongue
Pierce (written by Shan&Claude) What
is the deal with my wife’s orgasm? (written by Shan&Claude) Orgasm too
fast (written by Shan&Claude) Difficulty
with orgasms (written by Shan & Claude) Cumming
without an orgasm (written by Shan & Claude) Was
it an orgasm? (written by Shan & Claude MS.Ed.) Difficulty
with orgasms (written by Shan & Claude) Orgasms
too quick (written by Shan & Claude MS.Ed.) Pain
after orgasm (written by Shan & Claude MS.Ed.) Having
an orgasm (written by Shan & Claudette, MS.Ed.) Many
questions (written
by Shan & Claude) Endings
(written
by Shan & Claude) Pleasing
a woman (written by Shan &
Claude) Orgasms
(written
by other sexperts)
HTHGS:
Slow to orgasm (Written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude
Hello. I am a 21-year-old female who has been having sex with my boyfriend for
about 6 months now. I love being with him and were very talkative and willing to
try new things. There's very little if any lack of communication in our
relationship. My problem is he has an orgasm rather quickly and it takes me an
extremely long time. I cannot seem to have an orgasm during sex but I can have
one when he uses his fingers inside me. It just takes a while. I tried using a
vibrator but it only makes it harder for my b/f to stimulate me since I become
used to the stronger stimulation. Thanksalot,Lil.
Dear partner orgasms
faster,
This is a very common problem in many relationships, especially male-female.
Women do not generally orgasm from penile-vaginal intercourse.
Does your partner know that you would like to orgasm sooner or have him
last longer? There are many
techniques and toys available to both of you to try to accomplish that goal.
There are cock-rings and techniques to help him last longer.
If you check out this website you will see many things written up about
helping males last
longer. The most successful of
the techniques will probably be whatever you work out together. Make it a process for both of you! That way if something doesn’t work you can both try
something new! Maybe he could use
the vibrator with you? Maybe
watching you use a vibrator afterwards could help him get a second or third
erection? Maybe you could get
started with the vibrator before he penetrates?
Maybe he could use his tongue on your clitoris?
There is actually a new vibrator out that fits over the tongue!
Tongue
Joy. However, Tongue
Joy
isn’t just about rings and vibrators – it is more about you two
communicating your needs and desires. For more vibrators you can go to our very
own sextoy shop
One
thing to remember is that we are each responsible for our orgasms.
If you want to come – take control!
Do it yourself or tell him what you need to orgasm!
Tell him what to do and show him how if need be!
Hopefully, he will get the hint and learn what it takes to get you off. If vibrators help you orgasm we would recommend you continue
to use them – if you want. The
more you are accustomed to having an orgasm, the easier it will be for you to
experience another one. The
answer to orgasm faster is not to quit masturbating.
Masturbating generally helps people learn what pleases them and how they
are pleasured. Shan & Claude
HTHGS: More on orgasms (written by
Shan&Claude)
Ask Shannon & Claudette,
I am not sure who I should refer my e-mail to so I picked the both of you. I
have just started to date a 31 year old female. We have been very open to each
other. The other day we were talking about our favorite sexual
"activities". She informed me that she has only had an orgasm with one
guy. This didn't surprise me until I learned that she has been with 10 guys all
together. I know female's sexual peak is reached at a later point in life,
around 30. She believes that a lot of this revolves around her
"mental" aspect of the guy she is with. She wants to feel safe and
secure. Can you inform me of the best books, or Internet sites or advice that
you might have to deal with a situation like this. Thank you for your time and
help. Look forward to hearing from you soon. Number 2?
Dear Number 2,
Many
young women are told to be pure and innocent and not celebrate their sexuality.
Young men on the other hand are often given societal permission and
encouragement to be sexual and enjoy sex. Many
people suspect this is why young men reach “their sexual peak” at around 18. Perhaps if more women could be sexual without being labeled
sluts or whores our culture would see more women reaching a sexual peak at
younger ages. Many women do not
shed enough shame and guilt and inhibitions to enjoy sex until they reach 30 or
40 if ever. It is quite tragic.
We were not sure what books or websites you were looking for to “deal
with the situation.” Are you
trying to help her feel comfortable? Are you trying to help her orgasm? What are youtrying to “deal
with?” Her situation is quite
common. Many women do not orgasm
with their partner, especially through intercourse.
Around 70% of women do not orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse.
Most women need clitoral stimulation, some feelings of comfort or safety
so that they can relax and surrender enough to orgasm.
Of course we are writing in generalities because we don’t have a lot to
go on and we were not sure what you were trying to “fix.”
Probably, the best way to find out how she has an orgasm is to ask her or
watch her masturbate. Talk to her
about what gives her pleasure. She
may not need to reach orgasm to be satisfied.
Learning what she needs and wants is always a fantastic investment in
your relationship and you may want to share the same information about yourself
with her. If she has said her orgasms are somewhat dependant upon how secure and
safe she feels then the question you may want to ask yourself is how safe and
secure does she feel with you? You
may want to ask her what she means by safe and secure.
Does she mean physical safety or emotional safety?
Our assumption is that she may need to trust that her partner is honest
and caring and trustworthy. Can you
provide such qualities to her or would you like to learn how?
If after speaking with her you still need our help let us know.
We would be delighted to provide further assistance. Enjoying figuring
out this orgasmic situation! Shan&Claude
HTHGS: What it feels like to have
an orgasm (Written by Shan&Claude)
Dear Shan & Claude,
My girlfriend and I have been engaged in sexual activities for the past 7
months, and we are both virgins, but she does not know if or in not she is
having an orgasm. She has asked me on many occasions how it is supposed to know
if she has had an orgasm, but I don't know what to tell her because I am not a
girl, so I was wondering if you could give me a little help here and give me a
little insight on what it feels like, so I can tell her. This would be much
appreciated if you could take the time and e-mail me back.
Orgasm Question
Dear Orgasm Question,
We are thrilled that you asked! Congratulations on your relationship
having open communication. Many people have asked this question to us on
many occasions. Our answer: Orgasms feel different to different
people.
Some people have explosive ones
and some people have little ones. Males more frequently know when they
orgasm because generally when they orgasm they ejaculate (but not always).
For women it can be difficult to tell if they have had an orgasm or not.
Before orgasm most people feel a building up of pressure (like before a sneeze)
and if they let the pressure build up and build up they may have an orgasm that
will feel like a release (like a sneeze). After orgasm the muscles of the
body relax. Also, generally the body will sweat after orgasm and the
nipples will become erect. We hope this helps. Another thing to
think about is if you try to only focus on the orgasm it may never happen.
You and your partner will have a better chance of having orgasms if you just
relax and feel and enjoy the pleasure and let the sensations build up without
trying to "force" an orgasm. Have fun enjoying one another.
Shan&Claude
HTHGS:
How do I know if I am having an orgasm?
Dear Shan & Claude,
My girlfriend and I have been engaged in sexual activities for the past 7
months, and we are both virgins, but she does not know if or in not she is
having an orgasm. She has asked me on many occasions how it is supposed to know
if she has had an orgasm, but I don't know what to tell her because I am not a
girl, so I was wondering if you could give me a little help here and give me a
little insight on what it feels like, so I can tell her. This would be much
appreciated if you could take the time and e-mail me back. Orgasm Question
Dear Orgasm Question,
We are thrilled that you asked! Congratulations on your relationship
having open communication. Many people have asked this question to us on
many occasions. Our answer: Orgasms feel different to different
people.
Some people have
explosive ones and some people have little ones. Males more frequently
know when they orgasm because generally when they orgasm they ejaculate (but not
always). For women it can be difficult to tell if they have had an orgasm
or not. Before orgasm most people feel a building up of pressure (like
before a sneeze) and if they let the pressure build up and build up they may
have an orgasm that will feel like a release (like a sneeze). After orgasm
the muscles of the body relax. Also, generally the body will sweat after
orgasm and the nipples will become erect. We hope this helps.
Another thing to think about is if you try to only focus on the orgasm it may
never happen. You and your partner will have a better chance of having
orgasms if you just relax and feel and enjoy the pleasure and let the sensations
build up without trying to "force" an orgasm. Have fun enjoying one
another.
Shan&Claude
HTHGS: The female
orgasm
Ask Shan&Claude,
I am wondering if my wife is having an orgasm when I manually and/or orally
stimulate her clitoris. When I do
this, she gets all shaky like, giggles, and when she is done she says that it
tickles her. Is this an orgasm?
While we were dating she would make large puddles of fluid after
intercourse like after 20 min or so like an orgasm and she said it was awesome.
However, now that we are married and have 2 children she says it
doesn’t feel all that good. So now, I have to stimulate her clitoris to get a
response from her. What is the deal? Thanks in advance - Signed, Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
It sounds like you have a good understanding of the situation. We are not
exactly sure what you need to know! You know that your wife seems to
orgasm when you orally or manually stimulate her clitoris. She has told
you or you have figured out that for her to enjoy herself you will need to
stimulate her clitoris. This is quite common. Around 70% of women do
not orgasm (cum) from penetration during intercourse. Any part of the body
can be erotic or pleasurable, but the orgasm is like the capital! The
large pool may have been from sweat, vaginal fluid, semen, or any number of
other fluids including a type of female "ejaculatory" fluid. The
answer to what we think you may be asking is that a majority of women need
clitoral stimulation to orgasm. The best way to know how she cums or when
she cums is to ask her! Hope that helps, Shan&Claude
HTHGS: Orgasm
(Written by Shan &Claude)
Ask Shan &
Claude,
My partner of
12 years has, in her lifetime, which includes 2 children from an earlier
marriage, only ever had an orgasm once in her life. I have tried stimulation by
hand, oils, dildos and cunnilingus. She reaches a situation where she can no
longer stand the heightened sensitivity, but she never climaxes.
I find this extremely frustrating as I feel that she is missing something
wonderful. My previous wife experienced multiple orgasms, this had the effect of
increasing my own enjoyment, it also made her more demanding and willing to
experiment with different positions, I would like to achieve this with my
current partner. She even tried
injections to improve the size of her clitoris, which is small, but this did not
help.
Regards
P.
Dear P,
Is she happy?
Is this situation affecting your pleasure or hers?
Does she masturbate? If she
learns how to orgasm for herself, it would most likely be easier for you to help
her orgasm. It sounds like she may
not be able to reach a stage of orgasm called “surrender.”
There is a point at which the person has to “let go” and relax and
give in and let the sensations overtake them.
It can be very vulnerable for some people. Many people in sexuality would call her condition secondary
anorgasmia – which is often identified as a sexual dysfunction.
She has had one orgasm – so we know her body can have them – but
there is something going on that will not permit her to go through the stages of
orgasm. She may be “stuck” in
the sensation, arousal, or “plateau” phase.
There are ways of helping people who can physically have orgasms but
can’t mentally. Treatment is
available. Counselors and
therapists tend to treat such a condition with activities called “sensate
focus.” These activities help
people focus on the pleasure and not on the goal of orgasm.
This generally helps them enjoy sexual experiences more and sometimes
orgasm may result! Obviously,
pressure and rushing someone to “have them” will not help you.
Sometimes people feel so much pressure to perform that they cannot relax
enough to orgasm. Also, many people
have been taught that sex is so bad, dirty, wrong, or gross that they cannot
enjoy what is going on or let themselves experience the sensations fully.
It is great that you are looking into this, but most issues in couples
are faced and handled by both partners. We
encourage you to keep looking into this and communicating about these issues
together – because the issues most certain have an effect on both of you. Shan
& Claude
HTHGS:
What is the deal with my wife’s orgasm? (written by Shan&Claude)
Ask
Shan & Claude,
I am wondering if my wife is having an orgasm only when I manually or orally
stimulate her clit she gets all shaky like and then starts giggling and says it
tickles that is when she is done is this an orgasm also while we were dating she
would make large puddles of fluid after intercourse like after 20 min or so like
an orgasm and she said it was awesome but now that we are married and have 2
children she says it does not feel all that good so I have to stimulate the clit
to get a response from her. What is the deal thanks in advance. Signed,
Frustrated
Dear
Frustrated,
It
sounds like you have a good understanding of the situation. We are not
exactly sure what you need to know! You know that your wife seems to
orgasm when you orally or manually stimulate her clitoris. She has told
you or you have figured out that for her to enjoy herself you will need to
stimulate her clitoris. This is quite common. Around 70% of women do
not orgasm (cum) from penetration during intercourse. Any part of the body
can be erotic or pleasurable, but the orgasm is like the capital! The
large pool may have been from sweat, vaginal fluid, semen, or any number of
other fluids including a type of female "ejaculatory" fluid. The
answer to what we think you may be asking is that a majority of women need
clitoral stimulation to orgasm. The best way to know how she cums or when
she cums is to ask her! Hope that helps, Shan&Claude
HTHGS: Orgasm
too fast (written by Shan&Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I am a 21 year old girl. Whenever I have sex with my partner, I orgasm too
fast!! He is also left stiff and no doubt acts strange later on. I
do not know how to help this situation. Please
help Menamita
Dear
Menamita,
What does too fast mean to you? Many women we know would be quite envious
to be able to orgasm so readily! But, if it is a problem for you then we
suggest that you look at the answers on this web page related to orgasm.
There are many previous questions and helpful tips. Other than that we
would say that once you orgasm, if you want to – keep going. You may
have many orgasms and that could be fun. Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Difficulty with orgasms (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
My girlfriend has the hardest time reaching orgasm. We have been together
for 6 months and she has had 3 orgasms! I have tried everything. She
says she has always had this problem. Every now and then she has felt like
she is about to pee and makes me pull away. She also says she has been so
close to orgasm, but just can't reach it. Please give me some advice.
Dear Daniel,
She may need to practice on herself so that she is comfortable with her own body
and what makes her orgasm so she can then explain it to you. Is she
upset with her number of orgasms or are you uncomfortable with the number?
It isn’t as much about
quantity as it is quality! Many young women report the peeing sensation.
She will not urinate it is just the built up of pressure that means you
are doing something right! It will feel like building pressure like
before a sneeze. If you continue when this pressure is building you may
help her orgasm but again we recommend that she become thoroughly acquainted
with her own orgasms and then she will probably orgasm more easily.
Perhaps a vibrator could help her experience an orgasm on her own? That
may make a nice gift for her? It could sort of imply that you want her to
enjoy herself. You could use it together or separate. Also, we each
must be responsible for our own orgasms if she wants more why isn’t she
writing why are you taking care of them for her?
If
she wants more stimulation she should learn to ask you to do this or that.
You ask her to do certain things do you not? The point is that we
each must take some ownership for our own pleasure and that will be important
for you both to recognize. Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Cumming without an orgasm (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
When my girlfriend and I are having sex, she tells me she comes, but she
doesn’t have an orgasm. We are both very inexperienced (we were both each
other's firsts) and I want to know if it is possible she is coming without
having an orgasm. Thanks a lot!
Dear not sure about her
orgasms,
Most people use the terms coming and orgasm interchangeably. You should
probably ask her what she means and what she feels when she says that she
“came.” Maybe she thinks it means something different than you think
it means? Ask her what the words mean to her. It is important to
clarify meanings and words to establish some kind of similar language.
Hope this helps. Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Was it an orgasm? (written by Shan & Claude MS.Ed.)
Ask Shan & Claudette,
My girlfriend and I enjoy having sex, but I am not sure if she has had an orgasm
. . . . she tells me yes, but she tells her friends that she is not sure if she
has. I have tried sex with my hand in a position to touch her clitoris, but it
isn't as sensual as normal sex. I was wondering if there were any techniques or
positions that would help us out. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Phillip
Dear
Phillip,
Have you tried oral sex? Does she own a vibrator? Has she ever
positively known that she definitely experienced orgasm? It is difficult
to tell if she experienced orgasm but there is one way that we have heard of
that is supposed to help identify orgasm. After someone experiences orgasm
(male or female) their nipples become erect, they tend to get flushed, and they
tend to sweat. Few women actually orgasm from penetration (only about
30%). The simplified and physically focused answer is that if you are
committed to participating in her orgasm you would most likely pleasure her with
oral or manual stimulation to her clitoris (as opposed to penile-vaginal
intercourse). Just remember orgasm is not just about where you touch
it is about chemistry and connecting and intimacy. Hope
this helps Shan & Claude
HTHGS: Difficulty with orgasms (written by Shan &
Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I just got married I am 22 and she is 20 I can not get here to have an orgasm. I
try oral sex and she has to stop me because she says it starts to hurt. I feel
her get wet but I do not know if she orgasms nor dose she. We are each others
first sex partners. Can you help?
Dear having a problem with helping
your partner orgasm,
Since you are each other’s first partners it may be difficult for you to know
exactly what is happening because you don’t have much to compare it to.
We would recommend that you study your own feelings and needs and turn-ons and
turn-offs as well as talk to others about their feelings and needs and
experiences. It sounds like there is much to learn and that is
NOTHING to be ashamed of! We are not born knowing everything about sex and
sexuality.
You both sound relatively inexperienced and
learning about sex and sexuality together could be a fantastic journey to take
together! We can not think of a better investment to make in one another.
The hurdle that we suspect may be in your way is comfort communicating about the
subjects that make up sexuality. It will take some effort and courage to
ask questions and occasionally be embarrassed. Our culture tends to
embarrass, judge, and silence people from learning or talking about sexuality.
We are proud of you for refusing to remain silent or uninformed. Have a
great time learning about and trying out the many facets of sexuality! The
last piece of advise we will give you is (if you are comfortable) to masturbate
together (and separate) and learn what gives you each pleasure that way when
you are together you will have a greater understanding of your own needs and
have a better chance of articulating what you need and what is pleasurable to
you. Make sure to be honest with one another and have fun! Shan
& Claude
HTHGS: Orgasms too quick (written by
Shan & Claude MS.Ed.)
Ask Shan & Claude,
I am a 19 year old Female who's been having sex with my boyfriend for about 6
months now. I love being with him and were very talkative and willing to try new
things. There's very little if any lack of communication in our relationship. My
problem is he has orgasms rather quickly and it takes me an extremely long time.
I can't seem to have an orgasm during sex but I can have one when he uses his
fingers inside me. It just takes a while. I tried using a vibrator but it only
makes it harder for my b/f to stimulate me since I become used to the stronger
stimulation.
Thanks alot,Lil.
Dear partner orgasms faster,
This is a very common problem in many relationships, especially male-female.
Women do not generally orgasm from penile-vaginal intercourse.
Does your partner know that you would like to orgasm sooner or have him
last longer? There are many
techniques and toys available to both of you to try to accomplish that goal.
There are cock-rings and techniques to help him last longer.
If you check out this website you will see many things written up about
helping males last longer http://www.howtohavegoodsex.com/how_to_last_longer.htm
The most successful of the techniques will probably be whatever you work
out together. Make it a process for both of you! That way if something doesn’t work you can both try
something new! Maybe he could use
the vibrator with you? Maybe
watching you use a vibrator afterwards could help him get a second or third
erection? Maybe you could get
started with the vibrator before he penetrates?
Maybe he could use his tongue on your clitoris?
There is actually a new vibrator out that fits over the tongue!
http://www.tonguejoy.com
However, it isn’t just about rings and vibrators – it is more about
you two communicating your needs and desires.
One thing to remember is that we are each responsible for our
orgasms. If you want to come –
take control! Do it yourself or
tell him what you need to orgasm! Tell
him what to do and show him how if need be!
Hopefully, he will get the hint and learn what it takes to get you off.
If vibrators help you orgasm we would recommend you continue to use them
– if you want. The more you are
accustomed to roaming – generally – the easier it will be for you to orgasm. The answer to orgasm faster is not to quit
masturbating. Masturbating
generally helps people learn what pleases them and how they are pleasured.
Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Pain after orgasm (written by Shan & Claude)
Ask Shan & Claude,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over nine months now and the
sex is amazing! However, after he gives me an orgasm (usually through oral or
finger stimulation) I hurt and feel slightly sick to my stomach.
He wants to give me multiple orgasms, but when he goes to touch me I
hurt. I think it might be because
he gives me extremely intense orgasms, but I'm not sure. Is there anything I can
do to make myself not be in pain afterwards?
Dear painful after orgasm.
Congrats on the great orgasm! Aren’t
they great! There are some theories
that have not even been published on this yet from some famous researchers. If
we were to suggest them some people would say we were crazy – so we will wait
until the research is out! However,
you may help yourself by emptying your bladder before intercourse.
This suggestion goes back to the unpublished research.
Keep track of what helps – like whether eating beforehand helps. This
sounds totally normal for your body. Sometimes
people are just very sensitive in certain areas after orgasm – most likely due
to increased blood rushing to certain anatomy. Taking a short break immediately
following orgasm may also give you the kind of relief that you seek. Others may
experience similar issues and maybe they will write in and make some
suggestions. Hope that helps –
Shan & Claude
HTHGS:
Having an orgasm (written by Shan & Claudette, MS.Ed.)
Ask Shan and Claude,
I'm a 20 year old female who never had an orgasm. I started having sex
when I was 17 and I never came before. I'm not sure if something is wrong
with me or is it just the men are not pleasing me right. I've had sex with 6
partners and they've all tried to make me cum but non succeed. I'm in
involved with someone right now and he tries really hard to please me but it
just doesn't seem to work. I've ask for other peoples advice and they tell
me its something mental. I've tried just having fun and not thinking about
cumming but it just doesn't seem to work. I don't masturbate cause its
repulsive to me. I feel dirty just thinking about it. I get more pleasure with
someone else doing it for me. We don't have oral sex cause we agreed to not do
that to each other. I hate giving fellatio, so I never asked him to give
me cunnilingus. I desperately want to experience the full pleasure of sex. What
do I need to do?
Dear 20 year old female,
What you are experiencing
is called primary anorgasmia. It can be remedied, however what you are
asking is a bit contradictory. But, we think we can help. You are asking
to experience the full pleasure and joy associated with good sex, but at the
same time you clearly indicate that you are disgusted by many of the basic
elements of sex. It would be like hating all the ingredients that you put
in a recipe and then being surprised that when it was all cooked you still
didn’t like it. If you truly desire to experience the full depth and
range of sexual pleasure you will have to start with learning to enjoy pleasure
with yourself, with others, and with life. You will have to learn to
enjoy some of the ingredients of sex before you can enjoy the full smorgasbord
of sexual pleasure! If you continue to be unable to orgasm we encourage
you to seek professional help to determine if you are physically capable of
orgasm. Most likely you can orgasm but at the moment are unable to go
through the stages of pleasure that includes orgasm.
Shan & Claude
For
more tips on this topic, written by other sexperts. . . .
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