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        Pleasuring a Woman        

HTHGS: Pleasuring a Woman
How to pleasure a woman.
Women, like men are all different. Some like it hard, some like it soft. Some women need emotional connection, while others like emotional distance. Thus, there is no 'one' right way. Each person is different. Thus, the best way to learn how to pleasure a woman is talk with her. Find out what likes, wants and needs. Some women enjoy using dildos, others prefer vibrators, while some have never even tried. You partner is the best guide for learning about how to please her because she really the only one who knows how she feels. I realize that this idea of talking at first may feel awkward, however, with practice communication becomes easier.

Given that many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex, it is likely that direct questions could be met with vague responses. Do not despair. Vague responses are to be expected. Thus, as the learner, you will need to develop some better skills at seeking the type of information that you need. For example, you could begin by asking your partner the following questions:

  • What part of sexual play (kissing, masturbating, hand holding, oral sex, intercourse . . . ) do you find the most arousing?
  • What types of kissing do you prefer a) wet, b) dry, c) lots of tongue, d) lip pulling or e) tongue sucking?
  • Would you describe yourself as more genitally focused or emotionally focused?
  • What types of touch scare you?
  • What types of touch excite you?
  • What do I do that most excites you?
  • What types of things are you open to experimenting with? How will I know when you are ready to try?
  • What is the one thing you will never try? (ie. oral sex, masturbation, wearing lingerie, anal sex, dental dams)
  • What is your sexual fantasy? Is this fantasy something that you would like to have happen?
  • What is the one thing you like best about our sexual relationship?
  • What is the one thing that you would like me to know?

Another line of questioning entails what I call the "A / B game". To play the A/B game after each type of touch, ask your partner if she prefers the stimulation from choice A or choice B better. For example, choice A could be rapidly licking your partners clitoris, while choice B could be rubbing your partner’s clitoris with your finger. Whichever choice your partner prefers then becomes choice A. Choice B will then be a different type of touch. For example, it could be you slowly rubbing your partner’s clitoris with your tongue. The A/B game works very well because it tends to be much easier for a person to say which type of touch they like better, then to have to actually name something in particular.

Types of stimulation that you could try to use for stimulating your partner’s genitals

  • Pulling your partner’s genitals outer lips
  • Pulling your partner’s genitals inner lips
  • Sucking on your partner’s genitals inner / outer lips / clitoris
  • Licking on your partner’s genitals inner / outer lips / clitoris
  • Nibbling on your partner’s genitals inner / outer lips / clitoris
  • Caressing on your partner’s genitals inner / outer lips / clitoris
  • Using a vibrator / dildo and your mouth at the same time
  • Using a vibrator / dildo and your hands at the same time
  • Rubbing a dildo / vibrator along your partners inner thighs
  • Placing a blindfold on your partner while you repeat all the above ideas

All of the above types of stimulation can also be used to stimulate her breasts, her finger tips, inner thighs . . . .

If you are still having difficulty mastering the art of pleasuring your partner and you are feeling a little frisky, try asking her if you can observe her masturbate. Then ask her if you can observe her masturbate with sex toys. Sometimes watching a your girlfriends technique can give you some better pointers than just verbal explanations. Once you think you have gotten the hang of what she is doing, try joining in on her fun. Maybe add some tongue stimulation as she touches herself, or hold the vibrator as she stimulates her clitoris. Another way to learn about your partner’s body is to ask your partner to guide your hands with hers. Having her guide your hands may help her to better "explain" what types of touch feel good.  written by Alex Robboy, LSW

HTHGS: How to please a woman

Not all women are alike. Everyone is different. What works for one woman may not work for another. So before you begin the quest of trying to please your woman, take a deep breath and relax.  You are starting from a disadvantage and it is unrealistic to think that you automatically will know what to do to please her, let alone get it right the first time.  What you can do is use your mistakes as learning opportunities. One can learn just as much from ‘mistakes’ as from ‘successes’. However, to do so requires communication.

Communication happens in many different ways. The best communication comes from a compilation of using direct and indirect techniques. 

The direct method focuses on verbal communication.  Typically direct communication consists of asking your partner what they like and dislike.  For example, “What turns you on? Do you like flowers? Am I spending enough time with you? What is your normal style, are you someone who likes to plan things in advance or are you more comfortable arranging things last minute? Do you like anal sex? Do you want to have sex with me” In addition to asking behavioral questions, you may want to ask questions that address the feelings behind the behaviors. For example, instead of asking if your partner likes it when you call every night, you could ask her what does my calling every night mean to you? Does your calling every night may get interpreted as a sign that you are very smitten by her, jealous and checking up on her, lonely or considerate. Maybe she thinks you know that she has an abandonment issues and needs lots of reassurance. 

 The indirect method of communication focuses on observation.  How does your partner respond to your using long slow tongue movements on her clitoris? How is she moving her hips to guide your tongue? What is she doing with her hands, is she trying to signal you to go faster or slower? Is she beginning to breath harder? Is her heartbeat quickening? When you talk about anal sex, does she act embarrassed? How does she signal she wants to become sexual with you? One of the best methods of discovering what a partner likes in bed is through simple observation of how they touch you. Often people touch others based on the way that they want to be touched. Thus, try mirroring her behaviors and chances are that she will think that you are an amazing lover. 

 For those of you who are still stuck and need some more specific ideas / ideas, try the following: 

  • After a fun date / outing, call her and leave a message on her answering machine letting her know how much fun you had.
  • Put an ice-cube in your mouth and then proceed with oral sex.
  • Take a shower together and wash her hair.
  • Write her a note telling her why you think she is so special
  • During intercourse slap her butt
    • Try sucking on her toes
    • Ask her if you can watch her masturbate / and then join in. 

    After trying each thing, ask you partner 

  •  Does she like it when you __________

  •   What does it mean when you ___________

  •  What does she like better choice A (for example, sucking her breasts) or choice B (for example, licking her breasts)?  Sometimes when you ask this question it is best to actually demonstrate the different options – not to mention it is far more fun to try out two different forms of stimulation and ask for feedback than to talk about it in the abstract. 

     This tip was originally written by Alex Robboy, LSW




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The Founder: "Alex" Caroline Robboy, LCSW, QSW, CAS

Ms. Robboy is the Founder and Chief Executive Officer of The Center for Growth Inc and How To Have Good Sex Inc.  Alex practices marriage and family therapy and sex therapy, and also conducts periodic seminars about human sexuality throughout the northeastern United States.

Ms. Robboy graduated from the University of Pennsylvania where she earned a Masters degree in Social Work, a Certificate of Advanced Studies in Human Sexuality Education and a Post-Masters Certificate in Marriage Counseling & Sex Therapy. Through the American Board of Sexology, she is a board certified sexologist and through the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists a certified sex therapist.  Additionally, she is a licensed clinical social worker and a member of the American Board of Marriage and Family Therapy.


  Our Philosophy sex is like dancing, it changes every time. It depends on culture, atmosphere and mood. Sometimes it is done alone, with a partner or in a group. It can be fast and hard or slow and soft. Sex is a combination of non-verbal negotiation and verbal cues: a scream, a twitch of the toes, or a flush of the face. There is no one 'right' way to move, only what feels good to all those involved. 
     The purpose of this site is to share information. Thus, if you have any ideas, thoughts or information that you believe others might benefit from, please e-mail your tip to and I  will be sure to include it on either our weekly newsletter or here on the actual website. 

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September 6, 2006